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---
layout: post
title: "Reflections on Marriage"
slug: reflections-on-marriage
---

This past weekend, I flew to California and attended a cousin's wedding. They were married by her grandfather, who inevitably spoke about marriage, including his marriage, in the ceremony. It made me think about marriage, of course. It made me think about what I was taught about marriage growing up, and what marriage actually turned out to be for me as an adult. I'm also on my second marriage, so I guess I might have some perspective on this.

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I grew up in a christian evangelical cult; as you can imagine, this meant that marriage was very specifically-- and narrowly-- defined. The man was the leader of the home. The woman was the helpmate of the man. I've come to see that there are a lot of darker parts to this in the light of day, but I think it's probably traumatic enough to just say that much, so I won't go on about it.

I did think that I'd someday find my person; I remember looking around the church growing up and thinking, "ok but I don't want to marry any of these people, and I'm pretty sure none of them would want to marry me." I wasn't wrong. I did want to get married though, but more like, _in general_ and _someday_. The thing is, no one that I remember ever specifically said, "you're no one until you get married," but I observed enough around me to draw that conclusion myself. Married couples, no matter what their age, were given positions of leadership. Single people were not. Message sent and received. I liked being in charge of things...I think. I always end up leading things in some regard so I suppose it's just the way I am. Anyway, it meant that I probably was up for getting married.

## Reflections

Instead of telling you all of the things that I did wrong in my first marriage, or the things I've observed in other marriages that I hate, I think I'm just going to reflect on the things that have worked really well for my husband and I. We've been together for 17/18 years now and married for 10, and we've had to work some stuff out in that time, as you naturally have to if you're going to live together and not out of spite. (^_^)